LUCKNOW: The All-India Muslim Personal Law Board (AIMPLB) is against the compulsory registration of marriage as it feels that the Qazi who supervises the marriage already maintains a register for the record.The view was expressed at a three-day meeting of the board that got under way at the famed seminary Nadwatul Islam here on Friday.On the agenda are a host of issues, including communal violence, rights of women, Babri demolition trial, setting up of ‘Darul Qaza’ and election of the board president and the executive. However, regarding the Women’s Reservation Bill recently passed by the Rajya Sabha, Board spokesperson Abdur Rahim Quraishi said any decision that affected Muslim women was important for the board’s consideration but the reservation issue was not of prime concern since Islam treated women as equal partners of men in life and gave them special status in the family and society. “The issue would be taken up after many other issues already listed on the board’s agenda,” he said.He said the issue of communal violence was of paramount importance as in every riot in the country the sufferers were Muslims, and the board would discuss Communal Violence Prevention Bill and the Liberhan Commission report.He said several recent court decisions, which he said are against Islamic laws, would also be taken up in the meeting and discussed on how to go ahead on it in order to safeguard the interests of the community.

Makassar. As the country’s largest Muslim organization prepares to elect a new chairman, it can’t seem to escape whispers of money politics.

Only four of seven potential candidates for the chairmanship of Nahdlatul Ulama signed a letter on Thursday pledging to avoid money politics, while one NU member alleged that money had already changed hands.

Political expert Kacung Maridjan, from Surabaya’s Airlangga University, expressed serious concern on Thursday over the possibility of vote-buying in the chairmanship race.

He also pointed out that candidates were using banners and other advertisements signaling “sponsorship” similar to that seen during regional elections.

“I’m afraid that using the media to promote themselves and to get votes is not the only method [candidates] have opted for. The problem is, [NU] chapters across Indonesia required transportation and lodging fees to get here,” Kacung said. “It goes something like, ‘I have funded you to get all the way here to Makassar, how can you not vote for me?’ ”

He was speaking shortly after senior NU clerics Salahuddin Wahid, Said Aqil Siradj, Masdar F Mas’udi and Ahmad Bagdja, all potential chairman candidates, signed an agreement not to engage in money politics.

The agreement, drafted by members of the Nahdlatul Ulama Savior Movement (GPNU), was circulated among all the potential candidates to mixed results.

GPNU chairman M Khoirul Rijal said Golkar politician Slamet Effendy Yusuf, Liberal Islam Network (JIL) founder Ulil Abshar Abdalla and NU cleric Ali Maschan Moesa had not signed.

Before the organization’s national congress opened on Tuesday in the South Sulawesi capital, Abdul Moqsith Ghazali, from the Wahid Institute, had warned of the possibility of money politics.

Abdul pointed out that Makassar was a long distance from the NU’s stronghold in East Java, increasing the travel costs for congress participants. He said candidates sponsoring the trips of participants could be one way to secure their votes.

More than 4,500 people have descended on Makassar for the congress, which will culminate in the election of a new NU chairman on Friday or Saturday.

One congress participant from Tuban, East Java, who spoke on condition of anonymity, confirmed that his trip had been paid for in full by a potential candidate.

“Of course we are being sponsored. There is one person who made sure that our transportation to Makassar was paid for. We will vote for him,” the man said, refusing to identify the person who paid for the transportation. He added, however, that “sponsorship” was common.

Salahuddin Wahid and Said Aqil had previously told the Jakarta Globe that they would not resort to attempting to buy votes for the chairmanship.

“I don’t understand that kind of practice,” Salahuddin said.

He had previously told the Globe that the banners in Makassar advertising his qualities for the chairmanship were paid for by his son.

Muchlis Indrawan, the chairman of the NU branch in Indragiri Hulu, Riau, said he had heard stories about congress participants having their trips paid for by candidates, “but I can assure you that nothing of this sort happens with our branch. Check the Java [branches].”

Muchlis said his branch was fully supported by the governor of Riau, Rusli Zainal, a prominent member of the NU community.

Hafidz Usman, head of the national congress committee, told the Globe he had ordered the candidates to remove the banners advertising their candidacy around the congress venue ahead of the election.

“In local elections, they ask candidates to clear away posters and banners before election day,” Hafidz said. “We have security officers to take down the banners.”

He said that the congress was running ahead of schedule, which meant the election for chairman, originally scheduled for Saturday morning, could be moved up to Friday evening.

Kacung, the political expert, said he already had serious reservations about the election because of its political overtones, which he said did not sit well with an organization that was supposed to be focused on religious and social work.

“Several clerics are renegades and do not abide by the khittah [NU’s founding principle that bars politics], but rather are aiming for short-term political positions,” he said.

The minimum age of 16 years to marry under the prevailing 1974 marriage law is not a sharia-binding regulation for Muslims, according to Nahdlatul Ulama (NU) jurists.

The panel of sharia experts announced there was no age limitation for marriage under Islamic law.

They did not cite gender; but the law  states that women must be at least 16 to marry,  while the minimum age for men to marry is 18.

The experts said Muslim parents can marry off their underage children, but strongly appealed for marriages to only be carried out after the child has reached puberty.

The jurists underlined that couples in which both are underage must abstain from sexual intercourse until they are deemed physically and mentally capable of doing so.

The edict was reached at a meeting of jurists at the national leadership conference of NU, the country’s largest Muslim organization, in Makassar, South Sulawesi.

“The majority of clerics are of the opinion that there is no minimum age limit in marriage under sharia law,” NU jurist Cholil Nafis told a press conference on the sidelines of the congress on Friday.

The edict to allow for underage marriages quickly sparked protests from human rights activists Friday.

“It’s a setback and contravenes the 2002 Child Protection Law,” National Commission for Child’s Protection (Komnas Anak) secretary general Arist Merdeka Sirait said.

Article 48 of the law requires parents to prevent their children from underage marriages, he argued.

“Underage marriages eliminate the rights of children, particularly to determine their future, and encourages sexual exploitation,” Arist said.

He said children had to obey their parents but the latter cannot determine the future of their sons or daughters.

“Although underage couples will not live together until after they reach puberty, their rights to pursue education and their future will be eliminated because they have been tied under the marriage institution.”

Arist urged the NU jurists to review the decision and comply to the marriage and child protection laws.

In many cases in Indonesia, parents decide who their daughter is to marry.

Often the groom is much older and richer.

The latest such case to make headlines was that of Medan businessman M. Indra Biari, 60, who took a 12-year-old girl as his sixth wife.

Also late Thursday, the jurists from NU branches   landed theological support for law enforcers to use the phone bugging mechanisms for criminal investigations.

“Spying in Islam is basically haram but if it is considered the only way to uncover a case for
public interest, it becomes halal,” senior cleric Syaifuddin Amir said Friday, adding that wiretapp-ing is deemed haram since it interferes with somebody’s private matters.

He said phone bugging must also be supported with strong supporting evidence. The conference also discussed several issues including   on  burying the dead.

The NU, however, forbade Muslims from burying the bodies of family members in the same grave as a non-Muslim.

SANAA — Controversy over a law banning child marriage in impoverished Yemen has recently intensified, with those for and against the law organising demonstrations outside the parliament.

Hundreds of women rallied outside Yemen's parliament on Tuesday in support of the law, which sets a minimum age for women at 17 and men at 18, two days after a larger protest by conservative women, who are opposed.

The rally was organised by the General Union of Yemeni Women and other women's organisations, in response to a Sunday protest by thousands of women against the bill that was called by Islamists and conservatives.

Among the protesters on Tuesday was Nojoud Mohammed Ali, who obtained a divorce two years ago after her father forced her to marry a man 20 years her senior when she was only eight.

"I am here to ask parliament not to touch the law that sets the marriage age at 17 years," she told reporters.

A delegation of protesters met with parliament speaker Yehya al-Raei and presented a petition with 1 million signatures in favour of the law.

"We will maintain the article fixing the marriage age but cancel prison sentences and fines that were provided for those who do not comply," Raei said.

Ramzia al-Iriyani, the president of the Union of Yemeni Women, which has long defended the legislation, lamented "the political storm" surrounding it and called on MPs to maintain the law, during the meeting with the speaker.

"We are not talking about early marriage (as a whole) in Yemen. It is that of children that we are addressing," said Nafissa al-Jaifi, a female doctor who heads the Supreme Council of Women and Children, a state organisation that has strongly supported the law.

She said that in the course of her work she had noticed that child marriages "increase the proportion of maternal mortality at birth," lead to the interruption of the brides' studies and cause a high rate of illiteracy among them.

The law was passed last year, but some MPs have submitted requests for its review. That has effectively blocked its implementation.

Some Muslims believe the minimum age of marriage need not be fixed since Islam did not do so, and that the Prophet Mohammed married his wife Aisha when she was nine years old.

"Fixing the age of marriage is an act that contradicts the precepts of Islam," said last week Sheikh Abdul Majid Zindani, head of the association of Yemeni clerics, who is also identified as a "global terrorist" by the United States for suspected links to Al-Qaeda.

The marriage of young girls is widespread in Yemen, an impoverished country with a strong tribal structure.

The death of a 12-year-old girl in childbirth in September illustrated the case of the country's "brides of death," many of whom are married off even before puberty.

JEDDAH: A sheikh has urged the government to implement a minimum age for marriage.

(Al Arabiya) News of a Saudi octogenarian marrying an eleven-year-old girl has outraged human rights activists amid calls on the government to regulate the marriage of underage girls, local media reported Saturday.

The Saudi National Human Rights Commission formed a committee to investigate the marriage, which activists consider a flagrant violation of human and children rights, the Saudi newspaper al-Riyadh said.

The marriage registrar, who was widely criticized since he agreed to seal the marriage contract knowing the girl's age, absolved himself of any blame.

"There is no law that prohibits the marriage of a girl under 18," he told the paper. "Plus, I summoned the girl and she declared her consent and signed the contract."

Regarding the consummation of the marriage, the registrar said he does not have the authority to dictate when it should take place, especially that the bride's father did not mention it in the contract.

When asked if he felt the marriage was wrong due to the age gap, the registrar said: "I do not look at age differences and things of that sort as long as the bride approves. Also, the contract is legal and it was registered in court."

He added he did not receive any money in return for overlooking the age difference.

"I did not take one single riyal for this contract. My reward will be given to me by God."

"Fit for marriage"

The father, who took 85,000 riyals (more than $22,000) in dowry, defended his decision to marry off his 11-year-old daughter even though his wife vehemently objected.

"I don't care about her age," he told the paper. "Her health and her body build make her fit for marriage. I also don't care what her mother thinks."

The father added that marriage at such an early age has been a custom in the Saudi society for a very long time and that he saw no reason why it should be a problem now.

"This is a very old custom and there is nothing wrong with it whether religiously or socially."

On the other hand, the groom said that the father, who is also his cousin, was the one who offered him his daughter and that the mother was totally against the marriage.

"He told me 'I have a girl and she will marry no one but you,'" the groom told the paper. "So, we got the witnesses and summoned the registrar. I paid the dowry and we held the ceremony and that was it. "

The groom expressed his surprise at how the media leveled harsh criticism against him and his family for marrying the girl.

"It is very simple. We didn’t do anything wrong. It is a valid contract that meets all the conditions for marriage? What's the point of all this fuss?"

The groom has three other wives, all much younger, and they all have kids.

"Save me"

The mother, who vehemently objected to the marriage, was the reason behind the attention given to the girl's case.

After reporting the marriage to the media, the National Human Rights Commission decided to form a committee to look into the circumstances under which the marriage took place.

Commission director, Dr. Bandar al-Aiban, gave instructions that the committee be made up of members who are specialized in Islamic law and who are going to meet with all the parties involved in the marriage.

As for the bride, she just called for help as she burst into tears.

"Save me. I don't want him," she cried.

Washington, Jan 22 (IANS) That children need both a mother and a father is a belief universally ingrained in human beings. However, a study challenges the idea that “fatherless” children are necessarily at a disadvantage or that men provide a different, indispensable set of parenting skills than women.
“Significant policy decisions have been swayed by the misconception across party lines that children need both a mother and a father,” said sociologist Timothy Biblarz of the University of Southern California (USC).

“Yet, there is almost no social science research to support this claim. One problem is that proponents of this view routinely ignore research on same-gender parents.”

Extending their prior work on gender and family, Biblarz and Judith Stacey of New York University (NYU) analysed relevant studies about parenting, including available research on single-mother and single-father households, gay male parents and lesbian parents.

They found no evidence of gender-based parenting abilities, with the “partial exception of lactation”, noting that very little about the gender of the parent has significance for children’s psychological adjustment and social success.

Indeed, there are far more similarities than differences among children of lesbian and heterosexual parents, according to the study.

On average, two mothers tended to play with their children more, were less likely to use physical discipline, and were less likely to raise children with chauvinistic attitudes.

However, like two heterosexual parents, new parenthood among lesbians increased stress and conflict, exacerbated by the general lack of legal recognition of commitment.

Also, lesbian biological mothers typically assumed greater caregiving responsibility than their partners, reflecting inequities among heterosexual couples, says a USC release.

These findings are slated for publication in the February issue of the Journal of Marriage and Family.

I just finished a half marathon today. To load up on carbs before the race, I munched on these yummy muffins.They were perfect before the race and gave me just enough energy to get me started. The weather was frigid at first but once I warmed up, I found myself peeling off layers and layers of clothing. This was a huge accomplishment for me and now I m finding myself looking online for more marathons to tie my sneakers to. I made an extra batch of these muffins as a good job gesture to my coworkers for doing this marathon with me. I somehow convinced 9 of them to sign up for a 13.1 mile marathon. During the last week leading up to the marathon, I heard a lot of moaning and groaning in the office and sour faces of co-workers who regretted signing up in the first place. I figured bringing in post-marathon muffins would make those achy joints and blisters a little bit easier to cope with. I awakened these muffins with the subtle yet bright flavor of freshly grated orange zest. Cranberries and oranges are a delight when put together in holy matrimony. Then to bump it up a couple of notches, I accentuated the orange flavor and made an orange glaze to top off these ruby speckled muffins. . . . Ingredients 2 eggs 1 cup evaporated cane sugar 2 cups whole wheat pastry flour 1/2 cup canola oil 1 tablespoon freshly grated orange zest 1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract 1/2 teaspoon aluminum-free baking powder 1/2 teaspoon baking soda 1/4 teaspoon salt 2 cups fresh cranberries 1 1/2 cups roughly chopped in a food processor, the other half cup left whole 1/2 cup walnuts, chopped Orange-glaze 1 teaspoon freshly grated orange zest 2 tablespoons orange juice 1/2 cup powdered sugar Directions Preheat oven to 350 degrees. In a mixer or using a hand mixer, beat eggs until creamy about 1 minute. Add sugar and beat for 2 minutes. Next add salt, orange zest, 1 1/2 cups chopped cranberries, 1/2 cup whole cranberries and vanilla extract. Mix until well combined. In a separate bowl, sift flour, baking soda and baking powder together. Fold in dry mixture with the wet mixture. Lastly, fold in walnuts. Line muffin pan with liners or lightly grease inside of each muffin tin cup. Fill batter 3/4 full and bake for 20 minutes. Makes 14-16 muffins. For the orange-glaze, mix all ingredients together: orange zest, orange juice and powdered sugar. Add more powdered sugar if it is still runny. You ll want it slightly thicker than molasses. Spread on top of cooled muffins. Enjoy!

As I fly around the country, the person sitting next to me on an airplane will often ask me what I do. When I tell the person that I direct the Marriage Enrichment Programs at Family Dynamics, he or she often asks me questions about marriage.

Eventually, the conversation turns to the role of communication in marriage. When it does, I’m often asked what I think are the vital aspects of good communication, and by implication, what makes for bad communication. When asked, I include five components of good communication.

Good communication in marriage is respectful.

In our Dynamic Marriage course, we discuss what Dr. Willard Harley calls “disrespectful judgments.” Sarcasm, ridicule, judgmental statements and accusations, and put downs fit into this category. Good communication avoids all such disrespect. This is another way of saying that good communication is qualitative. Just listen to couples talking to each other. Do you hear condescension or sarcastic responses to honest statements and questions? Do you hear one partner make fun of the other’s mispronunciations or poor grammar? Do you hear a spouse berating or criticizing the other’s choices or decisions? Do you hear one spouse trying to intimidate the other into submission? Do you observe eye-rolling in responses to honest thoughts from the other? Now, analyze the way you talk to your spouse? Is your communication respectful, or does it show grave disrespect?

Good communication in marriage is quantitative.

Most couples engage in meaningful conversation less than 15 minutes per week. Two-income families trying to enable the children to participate in every available recreational activity only makes a viable solution more difficult to discover. The problem is not insurmountable, however, as long as we take advantage of multi-tasking.

Good conversation can occur while participating in other activities. Talk while taking a walk, when working around the house together, while enduring a television commercial, when conducting family meetings, and while driving together to church, the grocery store, or a movie. Couples intent on quantitative as well as qualitative communication seize every possible moment to talk respectfully with one another.

Good communication in marriage is a two-way street.

While effective, respectful talking is essential in good communication, respectful listening is also vital. Bad communication begins with one spouse dominating the conversation, but the listener can also ensure bad communication. A lack of eye contact, negative facial gestures, or disengaged body language also stymies good communication.

Watch a couple at the airport or in the food court at a shopping mall talk to one another. Does one spouse dominate the conversation? Does he interrupt his spouse when she tries to get in a few words of self-defense or alternate viewpoint? Does the dominant voice refuse to really listen? If so, this conversation is not a two-way street and is doomed to be at best, poor communication.

Good communication in marriage probes for more insight.

No matter how well conceived and how well stated, most listeners fail to grasp the full meaning of the speaker, especially the subtle nuances. The only way to overcome the unnecessary miscues in conversation is to ask questions. To maintain good communication, however, the questions must be asked respectfully and courteously.

Responses like, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard; don’t you mean to say . . . ?” probe but are incredibly disrespectful. On the other hand, an introductory statement to a question like “Please forgive my inability to keep up with you, but I need to ask a question about what you just said” is both probing and respectful.

Good communication in marriage is honest.

Any spouse who learns that his spouse lied about something wonders from then on if the truth is on the table when any issue arises. Tragically, lying brings long-term consequences that most spouses fail to consider before twisting the truth. Honesty, however, is not merely avoiding falsehood. Honesty also means that we refuse to avoid sharing information that our spouse has the right to know and would want to know. Why would we avoid sharing such information? Usually, we either fear judgment from our spouse if we admit our failings, or we fear hurting our spouse’s feelings.

Good communication in marriage does not hide, distort, or evade the truth from the other. But honest communication doesn’t necessitate cruelty just for the sake of honesty. Respectful honesty is the key phrase.

By Terry Northcutt, Director of Marriage Enrichment Programs at Family Dynamics Institute.

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect." (30: 21).

I have listed some rules that may benefit those seeking an Islamic marriage, as well as those who are already married. I do not pretend to be an expert of any kind. I have learned what I know through marrying at the early age of 18, just 9 months after embracing Islam. I muddled my way through much of my 14 years of marriage, and consider myself a graduate from the 'school of hard knocks'. The rules are:

1. Be conscious of your physical appearance.

No one was more conscious of this than the Prophet. His Sunnah reflects keen attention to personal hygiene and good grooming. He kept himself strong and muscular. Most likely the first aspect of you that attracted your mate was your appearance, so don't think that simply because you are married the task is over. You can't hide a weight problem under Thawbs' (dress) and long Khimars' (veils). Your mate knows. Be aware that you live in a society that places a high premium on physical appearance. It flaunts the shapely female and her muscular counterpart. Temptations that beckon non-Muslims beckon Muslims as well. Don 't allow your mate to get side-tracked by the likes of a 'Raquel Welch or an Arnold Schwarzenegger'. Jog, join a gym, roller skate, swim and stay in shape. Insha' Allah, you will be more vibrant, more radiant, and more attractive to your mate.

2. Be aware of your role, but do not fall into role-playing.

Muslim spouses sometimes experience difficulties because they are trying to do things 'by the book' without giving due consideration to the conditions prevailing in their country. For example, most female converts are taught that the role of the Muslim woman is to be at home raising her children. Supposedly, it is the man who works outside the home to maintain the family. She may have read about birth control and assumed that it has no place for the Muslimah; yet, it is worth noting that the Prophet himself allowed coitus interruptus. If ideal Islamic conditions prevailed, there would be no reason for a sister to worry about her financial situation interfering with her right to bear children. However, without an Islamic society, needy Muslim families may have to resort to welfare and food stamps rather than Zakaah and Sadaqah. This creates a feeling of dependence and humiliation that can place extreme stress on a marriage. In this ease, it may be helpful for the Muslim couple to delay having children, or for the wife to work while the children are young and until the couple 's financial situation improves. Islam gives you this flexibility. Don't be afraid or ashamed to use it.

3. Be a companion to your mate.

Try to show enthusiasm for your spouse's interests and hobbies. It is well-known that the Prophet would run races with 'Ayesha. By all means try to involve your mate in your interests.

4. Be active in Islamic community life.

This will strengthen your commitment to Islam while providing you wish a wholesome social outlet. Encourage your spouse to engage in activities that promote Islam. Have dinners at your home for Muslims as well as non-Muslims, and don't neglect your relatives. These activities will indirectly enhance the quality of your marriage through widening your circle of activity and contacts.

5. Admit your mistakes and have a forgiving, generous attitude when your mate errs.

This country is a difficult place to live in. Most Muslims fall short of the Islamic ideal. Contradictions abound. Be quick to admit your shortcomings and work to amend them. Be understanding when your mate does not live up to the Islamic ideal and gently try to motivate him or her in the right direction.

6. Have a sense of humour.

Be able to chuckle at life's minor aggravations.

7. Be modest when around members of the opposite sex.

Do not try to test your spouse's affection by feigning interest in another. This will only cause dissension and bad feelings.

8. Share household duties.

Brothers, take note. This is especially important these days when women work outside the home. The Prophet always helped his wives around the house and even mended his own clothes. Who knows? You might find you actually like preparing the evening meal or taking care of junior so your wife can have the afternoon off. The Messenger of Allah said, "The most perfect of the believers in faith is the best of them in moral excellence, and the best of you are those who are kindest to their wives." (at-Tirmidhi).

9. Surprise each other with gifts.

Treat her to an evening out alone, away from the children. There are no words to describe the lift this can give to a marriage.

10. Communicate your feelings to one another, good and bad.

Tell him how handsome he looks. Where there is disagreement, have an open discussion. Don ' t collect red stamps. Nip it in the bud .

11. Live within your means.

Stay away from credit cards if you can. Sisters, take note. Don't envy the possessions of your friends, and don't belittle your husband because he can't provide them for you. Muslim couples will do well to stay away from ostentatious living. The Prophet did not live luxuriously, and neither should you.

12. Respect your mate's need for privacy.

A quiet time to oneself each day, either at home or away from home, can make a disagreeable person agreeable.

13. Don 't share personal problems with others.

There are a few exceptions to this rule, but if you must discuss personal problems, make sure it is with a person in whom you have the utmost confidence. If you have a learned Muslim brother or sister in your community, seek him or her out first.

14. Be sensitive to your mate's moods.

If you want to share a personal achievement, don't do it when your spouse is 'down in the dumps.' Wait for the proper time.

You may be saying to yourself, "All This is easier said than done." Well, you're right. A successful marriage doesn't just happen. It's not simply a matter of luck or finding the right person. It takes hard work and determination. It means being selfless and making mistakes. It means having vengeance on your mind but forgiveness in your heart. But, then, its perfection is "half of faith."

"And those who pray, 'Our Lord! Grant unto us spouses and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous.'" Qur'an 25:74

"The whole world is an asset and the best asset is a good wife." (Muslim)

"And among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves that you may dwell in tranquillity with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily in that are Signs for those who reflect."

Before you do anything else planning your wedding you must set your wedding date. It is a fun project, but be prepared to be challenged. Determining the best possible wedding date sounds easier than it is. Prior to you making your decision, there are many events and significant dates to take into account. The day you get married will be determined by factors such as venue availability, holidays, school schedules, who can attend, and many more.

More or less, there is 12-18 months between the time of engagement and the wedding day. Since there are so many parts to planning a successful wedding, one year may not be enough time for many. Before setting your date for the big day, you have to consider the schedules of everyone important to you. If you want the most important people in your life to attend your wedding, you must consider their schedule. Business assignments, birthdays, graduations, vacations, and other events may prevent people important to you attending your wedding day.

Getting married during the hottest wedding season has many challenges. It is not only more difficult to find available vendors and venues; the prices are normally higher too. Consequently, be prepared to pay premium for reception sites, photography services, flowers, limos, etc. In addition to hire costs, you have to consider challenges based on availability. Your dream location may not be available on your dream date, so don't fall in love with a venue until you have secured it for your date.

May through September are among the busiest months for weddings. If you can, consider getting married one of the off months. November through April gives you more opportunities to choose reception venues. In addition to having more options, you are going to be in much better position to negotiate a better price. During the slower months, you are bound to get better service because more vendors are competing for your business.

If you are going to get married on a Saturday, be prepared to compete with many other brides for the same venues and services. Saturday is the most convenient day for your invitees, but it means you have to deal with scheduling challenges and hire costs. Fridays and Sundays are considered the next best days and are still much more convenient than other days.

There is no wedding date without its challenges, and there are sure to be pros and cons to any possible date. Your challenge is to consider the best possible wedding date based on your needs and desires.

The institution of marriage has undergone great stresses in the Western society. High divorce rate and the trend of living together has resulted in broken families and troubled children. The human society developed and refined the institution of marriage over a long period of time. Although scientific achievements have provided the World with all kinds of amenities, the human beings have not changed at a basic level. The human instincts such as joy, jealousy, love, hate, fear, pride and prejudice have not changed over the millenniums. The people still need stable family environments and friends to share life experiences. Being a first generation immigrant, I am always amazed when I read about the divorce rate in the USA. Looking within the South Asian community here, I find the divorce rate negligible. This diametrically opposite situation has prompted me to analyze the roots of a successful marriage. These statistics have led me to believe that unsuccessful marriage is a unique American phenomenon. This problem has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants who are born and brought up in this country. Since this causes a major disruption in the lives of children who are the future custodians of this great nation, it is worthwhile to study the factors that contribute to a stable family and marriage.
The successful marriages require support systems, common values, and shared aspirations in addition to love and mutual understanding. These aspects are discussed in detail in this article.

Cultural Uniformity
General observation shows that the couples in a successful marriage belong to a similar cultural group. By cultural group in American context refers to refers to Italian, Cuban, Mexican and Irish American groups. The other groups include Chinese, West European and Hispanic American. The culture is a broad term that includes language, music and literature among other things. These divisions may not mean much to European immigrants but they are in fact considered important in India and Pakistan. A cursory look at ethnic newspapers reveals that people or parents are looking within the same group for marriage relationship.
The first generation immigrants generally marry within their cultural background and most of them have stable marriages. It is not suggested here that people should only marry within their own ethnic group. The successful marriages between people of diverse backgrounds require broad vision, maturity and freedom from all kinds of prejudices. As the marriages between diverse cultural groups have started to occur in the second generation of immigrants, so have the divorce rates started to approach American norms. In the USA, marriages are intermixed among people from European origins. There are no considerations for family or cultural background. The differences start to manifest soon after the honeymoon.
A better communication between people of similar background could be the reason for fewer instances of misunderstanding. The people of similar cultural background instinctively understand the likes and dislikes of their partners. For example, some people love dogs or other pets because they always had a dog or cat in their homes while growing up. There are other people who consider dogs and cats as a nuisance that must be avoided at all costs. Some people like to congregate in-groups while others are brought up alone in a calm and quiet home. The differences are obvious if a person goes from England or Sweden to any place close to the Mediterranean Sea.
Role of Religion
It has been observed that religious people have successful marriages. This refers to both partners. If one of partner is religious and other does not share same ideas, it becomes a difficult relationship. The immigrants are more religious than their counterparts in the native country. The people back home in India, Pakistan and Mid East believe that if a person lives in America then he or she must be modern and liberal in outlook. A lot of marriages fail because of this particular misconception. The humanity in various parts of the World developed marriage as an institution and religion sanctified the relationship. The religion provides a code of ethics and standards of behavior that need to be followed. For example, the religious edict saying, " Thou shall not commit adultery" lays the foundation of relationship in marriage for both partners. This factor alone can reduce strain in a relationship as it gives certain level of assurance of commitment to the marriage.

Recognition of mistakes
It is never easy to accept and own the mistakes and saying sorry. The ego gets hurt and people tend to think that after saying sorry the other partner will gain an upper hand. Just by simply acknowledging the error or a mistake can resolve fifty percent of the conflicts. Most of the people who have a stable and successful marriage are very up-front in their relationship and never hesitate to say sorry.
On the contrary, small misunderstandings can resultin irreconcilable differences. The common response is to find equal and similar fault in the partner and reminding that he or she is even a bigger culprit. The preeminent reason in many of such instances is that both partners are not giving up any ground and differences continue to grow. This approach if avoided can result in a harmonious relationship. Forgiving and accepting apology leads to better understanding.

Economic Conditions
Better economic conditions do not mean that only rich people can have a stable marriage. The people should spend only what they can afford. This is one of the major causes of strain in marriages at all income levels. Some people at a lower income level have much better marriages as compared to the rich and wealthy people. The key is to keep the expenses within limits for both partners. In the USA, the temptations are unlimited. Everyday, people are targeted with advertisements for new cars, better gadgets, and idyllic vacations. The message comes across as if all these things do not cost anything. There are promises of no payment for a number of months. The human beings are psyched up to buy the things that do not need and vacation that they can not afford. After few weeks of bliss, the reality dawns when the payments have to be made and there is hardly any money available for essentials needs. At this point in time the blame game starts. In Europe and Asia, people buy the merchandize whenever there is a need. In the USA, the need is created. There are countless examples. A simple one that comes to mind is the cellular phone. Some people need wireless communication for business or personal reasons. However, the marketing of wireless equipment make us believe that nobody can live in the next millennium without it. All of these small things add up. A large segment of population can not afford all of these modern inventions. The inevitable result is the strain on all relationships. The misunderstanding reaches the peak when the primary bread -winner in the family loses the job. On the other hand, the cost of food, clothing and housing is much cheaper in the USA as compared to Western Europe, Middle East and Asia. The people can live comfortably by controlling expenses and by staying married.

Support System
The availability of a support system is a great contributor to stable marriages. The support system is a network of friends and relatives that can be relied upon in case of any misunderstanding. Both partners can discuss the problem with their respective friends. By discussing the problem alone can put it in a proper perspective. In North America, there is a great emphasis on individual growth and independence. This factor alone prohibits sharing of concerns and aspirations with friends. In the Eastern society, the extended family and friends provide a network that keeps marriages on track. The lack of this support system has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants. The Americans can at least go to a psychiatrist to identify the problems. The immigrants lose the support system that was readily available in home country. They also abhor to seek in any kind of psychological help and thus face a double jeopardy. I have personally known a number of marriages in stress in the USA, while similar relationship would have been very cordial in their own country.
The solution is to develop a new network and also keep the old network alive by communication. The revolution in communication has brought the whole World very close. Now it has become possible to reach out to anyone at anytime. In the USA, one can find all ethnic groups from all over the World. The social and cultural links can now be very easily maintained. I have seen Korean, Indian, Chinese and Pakistani communities all across America. It is now possible to develop a network of friends within one own community who can understand the background of problems.
In South Asian communities, parents, brothers and sisters play a powerful role. If the parents listen to only one side of the story, then the marriage is doomed. On the other hand if they understand and appreciate the situation of other partner, then the marriage is strengthened. I have seen parents listening only to version of their own kids. It is very difficult to accept that their own kids could be wrong because it reflects their own failure. The key for the parents is to listen to both sides before placing the blame.

American Work Environments
The working environments in the USA are very dynamic as compared to any country in the World. The non- stop restructuring, new technologies have a great impact on the society. In order to keep up with the changes, people have to move in search of jobs. The neighborhoods get transformed in a matter of years. Sometimes it seems as if all America in on the move. When the people move, they get away from friends, relatives and familiar environments. The American born people are perhaps used to this kind of life. Most of the Americans quickly get settled in new environments, make new friends and never look back. However, people from the East come from very stable family systems.
The movement from one place to another uproots people and kids never develop lasting friendships. These relationships are a stabilizing factor in marriage. Whenever, there is a disagreement between the spouses, these are the people who can patch up the differences. The big dilemma is now how to reconcile the demands of career with the needs of a stable marriage. A simple advice for people on the move is to develop new friendships and also maintain old relationships. It has become very easy with the emerging technologies of Internet and communications.
Developing new friends can be easily done. In a new place, telephone directory research to look for places of worship and familiar surnames can be very helpful. Our experience shows that even random calling can result in finding very helpful people from any Asian or Mid Eastern countries.

Conclusion
In spite of great social upheaval in social norms during the past century, I find the institution of marriage still very strong. In the USA, people can live together without marriage and have children. The people in USA do not question the private life styles of other people. However, it is a surprise to see young Hollywood stars getting married who are supposed to be in the forefront of new liberal style. A large number of people get married again after bitter divorce. This indicates that there is something in the human psyche that propels people towards making a commitment to marriage. This fact was recognized long time ago and gradually the institution of marriage evolved over centuries. The challenge for our times is to keep the marriage intact. I believe it can be done and most of the marriages can be successful. The institution of marriage is a foundation for a stable society. We owe it to our future generation to provide them a carefree childhood with pleasant memories.

There was a time when parents with daughters were a pitied lot "" it was considered a Herculean task to "get girls married off", or "find a good groom for the girl". This idea has, of course, been whipped threadbare in countless Tamil films. But now, looks like it"s time for a remake "" with a twist.

Check out matrimonial sites and centres, and you will find that today it is brides

who are hard to get. Many matrimonial centres have a long list of grooms waiting for brides, while it"s not the case with brides.

"It is good, isn"t it?" asks Murugavel Janakiraman, founder CEO, BharatMatrimony.com. "It merely reflects the changing socio-economic status of women. Twenty years ago parents called the shots in marriage." But now, girls are exercising their rights, and do not flinch from saying "no". And, why not?

Girls are educated, work, earn and have a broad outlook on life. Parents too understand that they can"t force their decisions on their daughters.

Not that these girls want to leave their parents out of the picture. Far from it. In fact, many girls want the couple to stay with the bride"s parents after the wedding.

"Girls refuse to move to the cities where the boys live, not willing to give up their families or careers. Many of these girls ask the boys to give up or change jobs, and move to their home cities," says Rukmini Sriraman of Divyadhampadigal, a 30-year-old horoscope-matching centre.

However, the chief reason for this wait for brides is the declining sex ratio, feels Saranatha Goplan, Divyadhampathigal. "Because of the one-child norm and the continuing fixation for male children, the number of girls has plummeted," he says.

Offshore alliances are also not so hot now, as instances of NRI grooms being fraudulent keep surfacing. "Also, as most girls complete their Masters, the not-well-educated boys find it difficult to get alliances, despite taking home a decent pay," points out Sulochana Raj, Marriage Today, a marriage alliance centre.

There is another factor that contributes to the lengthening queue on the men"s side "" girls postponing marriage for career. "Earlier, the average age of the girls registering for marriage was 18 to 23. Now it is 23 to 26, may be more. Girls want to accomplish milestones in their careers before settling down for marriage," Murugavel observes. And, for every 200 boys registering for marriage every month, only about 50 women register, says Rukmini.

It gets you thinking "" Is this just about statistics or does it signify more? A whole lot of interesting questions surface. Is the Indian patriarchal set-up slowly giving way to a matriarchal set-up? Are women slowly, but surely, gaining an upper hand? Are fewer numbers of women putting themselves up on the marriage market? Are women no longer seeing marriage as the logical conclusion of life? Are more women finding their husbands outside the traditional marriage market, while more men stay in it? Well, we"ll need a survey to find answers. But, obviously, times are changing"

Certainly, one of the first essential tasks of any groom-to-be is to determine a way to propose to his beloved. There are certainly any number of exciting, memorable ways to perform a proposal. Here are some of the most elegant, romantic methods to get your girl to say "yes":

Recreate your first date. This will bring back a flood of fond memories and will put her in the right mood for your proposal. Chances are she’ll also appreciate your thoughtfulness in trying to recreate that special experience.

Plan a surprise picnic. Consider taking your beloved to the woods or to a Southern California beach for a romantic picnic. At the picnic site, you might consider spelling out the words "Marry me" with stones or seashells.

Bring out the bubbly. During dinner, serve your girlfriend a glass of champagne with the engagement ring in the bottom of the glass. You’re then in a perfect position to toast your future together. It’s hard for a girl to pass up a ring when it comes in such elegant packaging. (One fun and elegant location to have the bubbly served is at an upscale Las Vegas hotel. The lights of the strip at night coupled with the glamour, fun and upscale service that can be found in Vegas, might just make the perfect backdrop.)

Pop the question in a cookie. Consider dining together at your favorite Chinese restaurant. Have the waiter serve her a fortune cookie with "Will you marry me?" hidden inside. It’s the type of dessert she’ll never forget.

The Christmas tree proposal. At Christmas, invite her over to your place to view your Christmas tree. Make sure that the tree is lighted, but has only a single decoration—an engagement ring. In all likelihood, her heart will melt once she sees her ring adorning your yuletide tree.

Spell out your proposal with style. Get her a "just because" gift. Purchase an elegant charm bracelet. Have the charms on it be letters that spell out your special request "M-A-R-R-Y M-E". Place the gift at her place setting during a special dinner.

Of course, there are numerous other ways you can propose—on board a plane, on an island, on a mountaintop, at the top of the Empire State Building, in the back of an SUV limousine in Las Vegas. How you ultimately propose will depend on a number of factors: your history together, your personal style, and her particular preferences. The most important thing is that the proposal comes from the heart. If it is truly sincere, chances are your intended will be totally captivated. In the end, it’s not the proposal itself, but the groom, that really matters.

Article by Michelle O’Connor, Limousine Service Los Angeles